The Language of Economic Collapse

There's not much fun to be gleaned from the current dire straits the globe is facing. But, for sport, I have lightened my mood by looking at how language has shifted ever closer to the precipice... 

• Credit crunch: sounds like a yummy breakfast cereal, must be quite harmless
  
• Banking sector turmoil: that's fine, those fat cats can afford to shed a few pounds
  
• Financial crisis: crisis for who? This affects the city slickers but not me
  
• Economic crisis: say what? The problem is starting to affect us all? Yeah right!
  
• Recession: what a palaver, it's natural for an economy to go through peaks and troughs
  
• Global economic meltdown: Holy Macaroni, this sounds serious! 

Top 10 annoyingly overused words & phrases

I confess that, as I scan the pages of magazines and newspapers, I critique everything I read. Either "This sucks, I could do way better" or "Oh my god, this writer is brilliant, nay God-like, and I am an illiterate fool by comparison".  In the "This sucks" camp, I have the biggest beef with writers that churn out hackneyed phrase upon irritating cliche. So, I decided to put together a list of the worst offenders:

1. Check! Commonly found on the pages of fashion rags, as writers fawn over the way a particular celebrity has been dressed by their stylist. As in, "Gasp. Just look how Agyness Deyn rocks this look. Comedy sunglasses. Check. Ludicrous ensemble. Check."
2. Channeling. Another fashion page faux-pas. As in "This winter, we'll be channeling Ali McGraw's look from Love Story."
3. Fashionista/Fash Factor. Eurgh. Nothing more to add here.
4. ...On acid.  As in "This film is like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...on acid!". No, no, and thrice no!
5. That. A form of emphasis that smugly refers to a previous headline-hitting moment. As in "That dress" used ad nauseam to describe the dress Liz Hurley wore to steal the show from her then boyfriend Hugh Grant on the red carpet.  
6. Black + any day of the week that heaps unprecedented horrors upon the economy.  As in "Black Monday".  At the moment each 24-hours brings new calamity.  We should stop trying to label the milestone days that define the economic crisis. 
7. Credit Crunch. Enough already. The phrase was coined to describe a very specific problem in the banking sector -- now it is used widely to describe the global economic breakdown. And press releases are loving this phrase as a "topical hook".
8. The new... As in "Carla Bruni is the new Princess Diana" or "Purple is the new black".
9. Sooo. So is a two-letter word, so don't mess. 
10. ? As in "The end for Brangelina?" -- i.e. the arse-covering punctuation mark at the end of the attention-grabbing headline of a featherweight celeb feature based on flimsy speculation.

Banxiety: a very modern malady

Tonight I shall turn off the goggle box, for fear of a modern pox blighting me to the core. No visible outward signs, but a rigorous tension within characterises this illness. Banxiety, recession depression, news blues... call it what you will.  The cause is an excessive ingestion of unpalatable data about bad debt, crippled banking systems, economic collapse and other hitherto unimaginable horrors that are now afflicting our country. The symptoms are sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach region and an irresistable urge to see greedy bankers brought to justice. 

What every political conference needs...

Bring back spin!  At least it protected us from the reality of slimy infighting and governmental meltdown. Slithery Miliband couldn't hide his intentions at the Labour conference this week with any amount of gloss and Gordon's smile looked Photo-shopped. We can see through all the jaw-aching grins to the desperation of an unpopular government clinging to power... I could almost perceive Gordon's nose growing with every claim that the country's future was in confident, expert hands. That got me thinking -- just for fun, what the conference season needs is a Pinnochiometer: a tool that can measure politicians' half-truths and lies as they trip off their tongues.  

Q. When is a saving not a saving?

A.  When it's a supermarket saving...  This report in The Independent supports the view that the price-cut culture at supermarkets is just gloss. After all, how can supermarkets' savings be genuine when food inflation is rocketing? They cut some prices to grab headlines and engage in price wars with other supermarkets. But, overall prices are going up not down. And, as this story confirms, you'd be better off buying vegetables at a local market, or getting an organic box delivered, than buying at the supermarket. Oh, and buying the right quantities of food, rather than getting sucked in by two-for-one deals and chucking half of it in the bin, will help save pennies. 

Supermarket snub

I have been simmering about supermarkets for quite some time.  My husband's former home town, a market town in Norfolk, had its heart ripped out by Tesco. The third supermarket to claim a patch there, it swallowed up an expanse of land on the edge of the town and dragged custom away from the high street by offering impossibly low prices. Now the high street has become a hollow no man's land in the midst of a supermarket battleground, with little more than charity shops and banks to attract shoppers.  The problem is that people do want low prices and good value, so the lure of super saving deals is hard to argue against.  But, at what cost is the exodus from the high street to the supermarkets? And could the government and local councils do more to protect the interests of independent traders? I am lucky to have a great butcher in my street and I do my best to shop there and at other independent shops. But with a baby to feed and clothe, and prices of everyday groceries rocketing, it's sometimes hard to make good choices. Having succumbed to a daily supermarket shop, I'm starting today with a new goal to gradually cut out the big four (Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons) out of my life and find alternative outlets that won't break the bank... or batter my conscience. 

Leave that Monkee's Moobs alone!

Poor old Davy Jones committed the heinous crime of exposing his moobs (man-boobs) at a concert recently and caused an uproar. The papers reported that the once youthful heart-throb wasn't a patch on the Cheeky Monkee of the swinging sixties. The guy is 62, so I say give him a break.  I take my hat off to anyone in the limelight that dares to buck the ridiculous trend for Peter Pan celebs who never, never grow old. Frozen faces, bloated lips and crease-free pensioners... it's just so freakish. And, as for the surprise that this teen idol of forty years ago has piled on a few extra pounds with the advancing years, it would be laughable to expect otherwise. One commentator surmised:  "He has let his physique go somewhat through lack of exercise.  He may also have made a few poor food choices." Well, I don't know about anyone else, but when I get to Jones' vintage, I hope that I am enjoying life and relaxing the rules a bit... I'd rather have the odd cream cake and put my feet up now and again, than spend my life on a treadmill, running away from Old Father Time.

Where best to stash your cash?

As Lehman Brothers bites the dust, the question on everyone's lips is who will be the next Big Cheese of the banking world to succumb to the shame of bankruptcy? Lehman was the fourth largest US investment bank with a long and cherished heritage as a canny player in the money markets. But its demise makes it seem as capable of managing money as a shopaholic at Bluewater, trembling while handing over one loaded credit card after another. As the US Federal Reserve broadens its emergency lending scheme and the UK and European central banks inject almost $40 billion into the financial system, it's time to ask whether enough has been done to regulate the financial industry and protect it against several risks too many. Back on the streets, news that Goliath has fallen makes every David feel proud that they're surviving. Small businesses that are weathering the storm should be congratulating themselves for employing the simple tactics that the money men have failed to observe -- making necessary cut-backs and saving for a rainy day/monsoon season.  For my part, I wonder whether we'd be better stashing our cash under the mattress than trusting greedy banks.

Super saving ideas

With all this talk of credit crunch and the skyrocketing price of groceries, I've been on a mission to look after those pennies with the hope of saving a few quid each month.  Once you get started, saving money is addictive.  I get a smug rush every time I issue a coup de grace to the supermarkets' coffers by canny purchasing.  Ha ha!  I know they want me to get sucked in by 2 for 1 offers, but I'm not falling for that.  I don't want a fridge full of rotting veg I can't eat before the use-by date, I want a genuine price slash on a single purchase that I really need.  My money saving exploits go beyond the supermarkets, onto the high street and Internet... I stalk my prey for weeks, finding the best deals that don't mean compromising on quality.  Here are some of my favourite cost-cutting techniques:

1. Only buy B.O.G.O.Fs when the products are non-perishable. Tins and toiletries are a no-brainer.
2. Stalk favourite luxury items regularly to make sure that any discounts are fully exploited. The Green & Black chocolate offer at Sainsburys right now means I'm gorging on my fave chocolate every day, so that hopefully by the time the offer ends I will be sick of the stuff.
3. If you have something at Debenhams on your wish list, lie low and wait until a Blue Cross sale.  You will see the price of your target purchase slashed -- by up to 70 per cent.
4. Get a Boot's Advantage card -- it's like getting free money. Clock up points with boring purchases like nappies and toothpaste, then use them for something fun like cosmetics.
5. Use voucher code websites to find discounts and free delivery offers for all your favourite Internet shopping haunts.  www.vouchercodes.com and www.vouchercodes.co.uk have saved me lots of lovely lolly on fashion finds.
6. To save electricity, turn appliances off rather than keeping them on standby.
7. To save gas, tweak your thermostat down.  Every degree costs you quids on your bill.
8. Check your mobile phone tariff is working for you -- I nearly got laughed out of Phones 4 U when they realised I was on an aged tariff that was a blatant rip off -- switching to a new one has halved my bills. 
9. Check your bank statement -- what charges are you paying and are you taking advantage of any perks your account offers?  I found I'd been paying a premium for account services such as travel and motor insurance, but had been paying for these elsewhere as well.  
10. Make the most of your skills and those of family to DIY as much as you can -- getting my mum to hem my jeans rather than taking them to the dry cleaners saves me £12.  Even if I purchase a thank-you bottle of wine, I can save over a fiver.
11. Buy in bulk for things you use every day -- that's 72 Weetabix please; 24 loo rolls... Your house may end up looking like Costco, but you'll save more than a bit of loose change.

Supermums under fire

A new survey from Cambridge University suggests that support for "have it all" mums is on the wane. Comparing stats from the eighties, nineties and noughties, the poll suggests that increasing numbers of men and women believe that family life suffers if a mother continues to work rather than filling the traditional shoes of a stay-at-home mum."Supermums" who juggle adrenaline-fuelled days at the top of the career tree with baking fairy cakes and reading bedtime stories are considered by many to be the stuff of legend. Juggling this precarious load, the survey suggests, is like living under a huge, wobbly stack of Jenga blocks... Yet, despite more people saying it can't work: it does and it must. While being a mum and a homemaker is undoubtedly the hardest job in the world, mums deserve the option to be "super" career women if they want. Their professional success pre-motherhood is every bit as hard-earned as their partner's and their work ethic as committed. As the kid of a working mum, I salute the Herculean effort it took for her to hold down a job and be as complete a mum as I could have wanted. The sad truth is that motherhood is like a handicap in the workplace -- with flexible working hours just edging into most employers' consciousness and challenging part-time roles a myth -- it's a wonder that any mum returns from maternity leave with a clear route defined on her career map. As a mum that juggles home-working with caring for a son, I raise a toast to women that stay at home too. Let's face it there's no easy option: there's just hard-won choices and the best we can do in our given circumstances, driven by career goals, financial pressures and, most of all, the quest to be great parents. And our own intuition, rather than the opinions of others, will tell us whether we are doing what's best for our families.

The Government v The Apprentice

Watching the 10 o'clock news has become my substitute for The Apprentice since my favourite show went off air. Each day there's a new installment of Governmental gaffes that offer just as much cringe value as The Apprentice dishes up. Michael Sophocles' dismal understanding of Jewish tradition (the kosher/halal chicken debacle) gave us a squirm in your seat moment akin to the one I had this week on hearing the Government's back-of-a-cigarette-packet plan to tackle knife crime. Forcing perps of knife crimes to visit victims in hospital? Widely thought of as a ludicrous idea that could add to victims' woes, the plan was ditched faster than you could say "You're Fired!" Jacqui Smith's U-turn a day after the proposal was like a last ditch attempt by a trainee Apprentice to escape a dressing down in the boardroom: Desperate and truly agonising to witness. How many nails-scraping-against-the-blackboard moments must we endure from our Government til we see a flash of genius -- the quality that sorts the wheat from the chaff in The Apprentice? Today's task -- to try and stave off inflationary wage increases -- should give them a challenge to get stuck into. Let's hope they can rise to it!

The Wedding Wrecker

Vicar David Cameron is in hot (Holy) water after ordering the child of a bride and groom to leave his church during their marriage. Chatty toddler Cameron Thorpe was repeating his daddy's name at a crucial moment of the ceremony and the vicar objected. Now Cameron's parents, Ashley & Vicky Thorpe, are claiming that the vicar pooped on their wedding party.  I can see two sides to the argument here: On one hand, a marriage should not be taken lightly and the bride and groom need to concentrate during their vows. On the other, you want your nearest and dearest to share your special day, not least your own kids. I do wonder if David Cameron has had his fill of weddings where the "Big Day" rules and the local church is viewed simply as a quaint backdrop for the fairytale. That said, the Church needs to start attracting young members, not ejecting those already inside its walls. It's something I've had first-hand experience of -- after my ungodly nuptials, I wanted a blessing in my grandma's church. I sent an email to the vicar, not identifying myself as the grand-daughter of a long-serving (50 years) member of his church. My email was never acknowledged, my grandma died and the plan was forgotten. At her funeral, the vicar was outed when my mum asked him why he didn't reply to my email. He didn't know who I was, he claimed. The bottom line is it shouldn't matter. How many people must the Church turn away before it gets with the programme? In the noughties, vicars must be seen (to welcome each member of their congregation) and not heard (to complain about them).

Independence Day

Tomorrow is July 4th, Independence Day, commemorating the United States' independence from Great Britain, established on July 4, 1776. This year, I'm hijacking the celebration for my own ends, declaring it an Independence Day for glamorous dresses cruelly subjected to a life incarcerated. I will be freeing one of my dresses and a group of friends will be letting theirs loose too -- the dresses will take part in a freedom march to a local bar where cocktails will be drunk in their honour. After all, frocks should never languish unloved in closets. Time too to emancipate high heels, make-up and bling... long live glamour!

It's drive time

My driving instructor is calling for me in 1.5 hours and I'm feeling less of a girl racer with every passing minute. It's bringing back memories of driving lessons circa 1992 when I was 17, clammy palmed and sweating like billio. Not much has changed it seems, except I'm 16 years older and ought to be a seasoned pro behind the wheel by now.  Instead, I'm nervous for me and scared for the people of Horsham. If I survive the two-hour crash (ahem!) course, I will share the tale. 

The girl racer is back!

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A storm in an AA cup

It's war! To be specific it's "Bra Wars". I'm waging a one woman crusade against the sizeist shops that don't stock bras made for my petite frame. After travelling from A to B in cup sizes while pregnant, then from B to C while nursing my son, I've hurtled at breakneck speed after weaning back past my original size to an AA-cup. What a white knuckle ride that's been, watching my assets depreciate. After a brief flirtation with bountiful curves, I'm not complaining, being small up top is "me". My physique is fairly unscathed by childbirth and my boobs, while small, haven't headed South. It's a blessing and I'm counting it. No, I haven't got a beef with Mother Nature, just the lingerie departments that stock only a smattering of bras in my new size -- and hurtfully describe them as "training" bras. At 33, I'm past wearing L plates -- I've come to terms with womanhood and love feeling sexy. But now I find myself banned from wearing seductive, fashionable lingerie. Bra Wars have begun and my search for undies that fit continues -- and, if the grim assortment of teenage bras on offer on the high street is anything to go by, it looks like it will take me to a galaxy far, far away...

The Pterodactyl has landed!

Come on!  Lee McQueen has triumphed in The Apprentice... The lad came good with his mix of charm and brashness, which led him to become Sir Alan's favourite. He didn't so much as trounce Claire as capitalise on her annoying "motor mouth" trait: Alan decided that her grating stream of consciousness would just be too much to bear, despite Claire being streets ahead of Lee in toughness and confidence. As for finalists Alex and Helene, being boring was their downfall. Alex "only 24" Wotherspoon and Helene "it wasn't me" Speight delivered a mind-numbing presentation to launch their Dual perfume. And Alan smelled a rat when he saw their expensive bottle design, which would have wiped out their profit. It was a satisfying end to the show for me -- I just hope Lee doesn't let success go to his head. He says he wants to go out and buy a Porsche -- just what the world needs, another cocky salesman driving a Porsche!

Top 5 Good News Stories

Anyone else had their fill of bad news?  I know I wish I could turn on the 10 o'clock news without wincing at the stories of people going hungry, getting poorer, losing their homes and jobs... 

So, I'm hot on the trail of some much needed good news and here's what I've found:

1. Peter Andre is voted "top dad" : One of my guilty TV pleasures is Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter. Pete seems like a nice, down to earth bloke and a good dad so it's nice to see him recognised, even if it is in a contest sponsored by Daddies Sauce.
2. Women with breast cancer can now live just as long as healthy women: Successful breast screening programmes mean that tumours are being found early and women can go on to lead a healthy life. Good to hear a positive story about the NHS.
3. Four cups of tea a day cuts heart attack risk: I love a cuppa, so it's great news that tea drinking has been found to cut down the chance of a heart attack, as well as boosting hydration and alertness. At last, a favourite British pastime that's healthy!
4. The world's oldest church is discovered in Jordan: A news story thats genuinely amazing -- archeologists have discovered a church they believe to date back to between 33AD and 70AD, which makes it the earliest known place for Christian worship. 
5. Sir Alan will choose his Apprentice today: As a fan of The Apprentice, I'm revving up for tonight's finale. It looks to be an exciting send off for the show, as an unprecedented four finalists get to show their mettle in a last ditched attempt to get hired.

Phew!  I set out to find ten stories, but have settled for five: it's tough uncovering the heartwarming, uplifting, exciting and amazing -- and I didn't want to resort to the story of the pig in boots that doesn't like walking in mud... although it did make me titter.

Summer playtime for big kids

I played rounders yesterday with a group of friends that are big kids just like me.  Despite not having played the game since we were all about nine, we loved it: the thrill of running in the sunshine, the boys' delight in the inability of girls to catch a ball, the cut-throat competitiveness between boys and girls teams -- it was exactly like the summer PE classes of old. Probably two decades have passed since most of us last picked up a rounders bat, but it was so much fun. After one game, in which the girls team was beaten by an unchivalrous boys team, we all collapsed: nine year olds have more endurance it seems in this particular sport. We returned to our picnic blankets where our babies were busy with their own games -- but I know who got a bigger kick out of this afternoon of play in the park.

Surely it's crunch time for loan sharks?

With the deafening noise of the credit crunch being blasted from the TV, radio and newspapers, it's impossible to avoid the bad news of economic downturn. So, why in today's post am I offered a £7,500 priority loan from the people with whom I have an agreement to pay for my sofa in installments? The fact that I can afford a £600 sofa in a few bite size chunks doesn't make me one of their "best customers" surely. If they bothered to check, my income is pretty low right now due to taking on minimal work while I look after my baby boy. So how come the loan sharks are still circling me? It's a bit of a worrying thought that people with as little disposable cash as I have may well be dipping into loans like this just to break even with rising costs of fuel, food and mortgages. The people sending out these loan offers should be held to ransom for putting temptation in people's paths. Now, where's my shredder...?