The Government v The Apprentice

Watching the 10 o'clock news has become my substitute for The Apprentice since my favourite show went off air. Each day there's a new installment of Governmental gaffes that offer just as much cringe value as The Apprentice dishes up. Michael Sophocles' dismal understanding of Jewish tradition (the kosher/halal chicken debacle) gave us a squirm in your seat moment akin to the one I had this week on hearing the Government's back-of-a-cigarette-packet plan to tackle knife crime. Forcing perps of knife crimes to visit victims in hospital? Widely thought of as a ludicrous idea that could add to victims' woes, the plan was ditched faster than you could say "You're Fired!" Jacqui Smith's U-turn a day after the proposal was like a last ditch attempt by a trainee Apprentice to escape a dressing down in the boardroom: Desperate and truly agonising to witness. How many nails-scraping-against-the-blackboard moments must we endure from our Government til we see a flash of genius -- the quality that sorts the wheat from the chaff in The Apprentice? Today's task -- to try and stave off inflationary wage increases -- should give them a challenge to get stuck into. Let's hope they can rise to it!

The Wedding Wrecker

Vicar David Cameron is in hot (Holy) water after ordering the child of a bride and groom to leave his church during their marriage. Chatty toddler Cameron Thorpe was repeating his daddy's name at a crucial moment of the ceremony and the vicar objected. Now Cameron's parents, Ashley & Vicky Thorpe, are claiming that the vicar pooped on their wedding party.  I can see two sides to the argument here: On one hand, a marriage should not be taken lightly and the bride and groom need to concentrate during their vows. On the other, you want your nearest and dearest to share your special day, not least your own kids. I do wonder if David Cameron has had his fill of weddings where the "Big Day" rules and the local church is viewed simply as a quaint backdrop for the fairytale. That said, the Church needs to start attracting young members, not ejecting those already inside its walls. It's something I've had first-hand experience of -- after my ungodly nuptials, I wanted a blessing in my grandma's church. I sent an email to the vicar, not identifying myself as the grand-daughter of a long-serving (50 years) member of his church. My email was never acknowledged, my grandma died and the plan was forgotten. At her funeral, the vicar was outed when my mum asked him why he didn't reply to my email. He didn't know who I was, he claimed. The bottom line is it shouldn't matter. How many people must the Church turn away before it gets with the programme? In the noughties, vicars must be seen (to welcome each member of their congregation) and not heard (to complain about them).

Independence Day

Tomorrow is July 4th, Independence Day, commemorating the United States' independence from Great Britain, established on July 4, 1776. This year, I'm hijacking the celebration for my own ends, declaring it an Independence Day for glamorous dresses cruelly subjected to a life incarcerated. I will be freeing one of my dresses and a group of friends will be letting theirs loose too -- the dresses will take part in a freedom march to a local bar where cocktails will be drunk in their honour. After all, frocks should never languish unloved in closets. Time too to emancipate high heels, make-up and bling... long live glamour!

It's drive time

My driving instructor is calling for me in 1.5 hours and I'm feeling less of a girl racer with every passing minute. It's bringing back memories of driving lessons circa 1992 when I was 17, clammy palmed and sweating like billio. Not much has changed it seems, except I'm 16 years older and ought to be a seasoned pro behind the wheel by now.  Instead, I'm nervous for me and scared for the people of Horsham. If I survive the two-hour crash (ahem!) course, I will share the tale.